Feeling Like A Failure, Again

It was a good day yesterday, until. We decided we were all going for a ride. The grand-kids and myself. I was feeling anxious. Most of the morning I was fighting lower back pain and knee pain. Not unusual in this weather. The older I get, the more prominent it becomes. Unfortunately, it causes a great deal of emotional stress. Knowing just how little I can actually do when I start to feel the pain. Oh, I can take a bottle full of pills during my discomfort. But I, hate, loading up on drugs when in fact they don’t help all that much. Most often than not, I just bite my tongue and move on. Suffering through the pain and trying not to let on I’m uncomfortable to the point of feeling absolutely miserable.

My husband was kind enough to help the girls hook up the horse trailer. They’re all such a big help. I finally got off my backside and saddled Jewels. The entire time, I was in excruciating pain from my knees down. It was hard to walk. My anxiety was extremely high as a result. I know she could sense that. My first thought was not to ride at all. Jewels was acting like a hot mess, herself. Pulling back on the lead rope, pawing the ground while she was tied, and pissing about not being able to see the other horses. I’m just hard-headed enough, I wasn’t going to let it stop me from having a good time. I wanted to ride with my grand-kids. We loaded up the horses and took off to the park.

The park is not but 10 minutes from the house. When we got there, we unloaded the horses. The kids mounted up and was waiting on me to ride. Jewels was being a snit!. She backed out of the trailer like a locomotive. After she hit the ground, she couldn’t see past the other horses. Screaming for them, dancing around on the end of the lead rope and snorting. It wasn’t so unusual really. She becomes unsure when we carry her off from the house. It hasn’t happened though since I brought her back from the trainer. I bridled her and lead her next to the mounting block. When I stepped on to the block and put my foot in the stirrup, she walked away, causing me to fall forward on to the ground. I tried again. She walked away, again. On my third attempt, I swung a leg over the saddle. Jewels became antsy and popped up on her front end. Which in fact, scared the hell out of me.

She’s never done that before. I one rein stopped her as she began to dance around while I was sitting on her. She was clearly not listening to any contact on the reins, at all. I burst into tears. It scared me to the point I was shaking all over to the point of my teeth chattering. My husband could see I was totally stressed out from the erratic behavior from Jewels. He asked me to get off. He told me I was in no shape to ride her emotionally. I was flat out a basket case. I couldn’t control my fear. We agreed to let the kids ride alone. It took several tries to load Jewels back up in the trailer. She was being a total ass with out the long ears! We drove off and let the girls have a good time. It was the first time we’ve ever left them alone to ride, but I didn’t want to spoil their fun. After we picked them up, we let them take care of everything. My grand-daughters drove the truck, parked the trailer and unsaddled the horses. They were quite proud of themselves.


As for me, my day personally felt like an epic fail!

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Posted in Daily Rambling
2 comments on “Feeling Like A Failure, Again
  1. liascott says:

    Not an epic fail, just a reminder that you are dealing with a challenging girl with serious trust issues. Just taking her on and sticking with her makes you anything but a failure! Hang in there!

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"It's better to ride even if you get thrown, then to wind up just wishing you had." - Chris LeDoux.
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