Is this really a disease or a way of life?

Riding is one of the things I want to do every single day. I get up in the morning, late I might add, too late to ride before the work day begins and no motivation to get out of bed to do so. The sheer frustration I feel happens more often times than not. For me, it takes an incredible amount of effort to do anything. Things are not effortless! It’s takes everything I can to muster up enough energy trying to create harmony with-in. Excuses seem to be my number one problem. I can find hundreds of them. I’m either getting to old, to fat, or not enough strength to do the task. It’s either to cold, to hot, to windy and not enough time to ride as long as I want. I work too much, have to many other things to do, or not enough time in the day. Is that my only problem? Of course not. I’m aware not being able to ride as much as I’d like to isn’t the root of my depression. What is it then?  Am I, alone? No way.

Never the less, I simply feel like my world is crashing down around me. There’s a hole that I’ve buried my self in. This deep seeded despair and I don’t know where it comes from. Feelings of inadequacy and failure that lurk in this mess of head games. Questioning my very existence. Always wondering, just why am I here? I can’t imagine wishing these feelings on any one else. How cruel it would be. My lack of motivation can’t be normal. Finding someone to help create a solution is almost impossible. Everyone has the same answer. There are far worse situations than yours. The world has far greater problems than yours! Look around you. There are people who love you. You have what most people don’t. A husband of 30 years who loves you. He’ll do any thing for you. A great son, awesome grand kids, good family and friends. I have an awesome job. It’s one of the nicest places to work. A beautiful structure. There are wonderful fellow employees who in spite of the hot mess I’ve become, put up with my insanity. So, why do I feel this way? Who the hell knows!

And by the way? Just knowing that every one else has their own feelings of inadequacy and despair. Why in the world would I bother others with trivial problems of my own? And another thing. When I try to get help or talk to people I get the same tired old answers. You don’t have a right to feel that way. Get over it. Do something about it. You’re the only one who can change you! Make a difference in your life. So on and so forth.  I’ve heard it all. Does knowing all that make it better? Emphatically, no! Does anyone think the self loathing, and feelings of worthlessness pitted in my stomach are something I want to feel? Are you people crazy? Maybe you need to get over your self! Think before you speak words of wisdom to someone who’s on the brink of self-destruction. I’m tired of the all-knowing attitudes. You don’t know how I feel or can you fix it. And you certainly can’t justify it by using blanket statements such as: We all go through the same things. That’s just life. It is what you make of it. Or, it’s an easy fix. Just get your self some help. It’s most likely hormones. Don’t you people think if it was that easy, I’d have done it long ago? Please!

The moral of the story is: Don’t try this at home. You may not like the outcome.

 

 

 

 

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Posted in Daily Rambling

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"It's better to ride even if you get thrown, then to wind up just wishing you had." - Chris LeDoux.
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